Epinions Recent Reviews for Simply_Crispy

"P.S. I Love You": Return To Sender

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 20:44:03 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - You know what, screw you guys. A hiatus from this website lasting three and a half years, bar one fleeting cameo, and this is the welcome back I get? P.S. I Love You? THIS is what you choose for me to review upon my return? Why? In the name of...

Slither: "Slither": A Slug In The Mouth

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 13:49:46 GMT

rating: 3/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - THE PLOT Slither takes place in Wheelsy, South Carolina, a small rural, somewhat forlorn town where every man, woman and child seem to idly count away the minutes until the start of hunting season. Gun happy hicks: always the ideal target...

"Ju-On": Oriental Distress

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 14:55:47 GMT

rating: 3/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - There's an undeniable symmetry with the trend of horror movies coming out of Hollywood, and those being imported from the Far East. And it's not necessarily a good one. It's not hard to understand why American filmmakers get their kicks (and a great big...

"Oldboy": Revenge Is Best Served With A Great Big Clawhammer

Wed, 1 Dec 2004 19:06:48 GMT

rating: 5/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - There can be no doubt in anyones mind that when it comes to cinema, nobody does it better than the Orientals. It seems as though the very second a new film from Japan or South Korea hits a film festival, US studios are falling over themselves to sign it...

"Darkness Falls": A Drunken Obstructions W/O

Thu, 7 Oct 2004 07:27:14 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Back again. Missed me? Yup, another Crispy mini-sabbatical comes to an end, which is the first of many reasons why I’m celebrating. Not only is this yet another entry into my very own little baby, the “Dru
nken
...

"Jersey Girl": Two Write-Offs For The Price Of One

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 11:06:58 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - So here it is then, the third review for my own "Dru
nken
Review” write-off. Same old, same old I suppose. More inebriated mutterings, typo’s by the dozen and some extremely dubious critique. Yup, you get all...

"Rules Of Attraction": The Rules Are, There Are No Rules (D.R W/O)

Thu, 9 Sep 2004 10:58:05 GMT

rating: 4/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Part two of my very own “Dru
nken
Review” write-off. Anyone who’s read my f
irst
review, or any of my other Drunken Reviews over the years, will know what to expect by...

"The Sweetest Thing": Part Of The 'Drunken Review' W/O

Tue, 7 Sep 2004 11:23:10 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Part one: The first contribution to my very own “Dru
nken
Review” write-off. The rules are as simple as a two-piece jigsaw: get drunk. Watch film. Sit behind computer. Write about film. Post on site. It’s...

"The Village": Ought To Be Damned

Thu, 2 Sep 2004 13:42:45 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - It’s no great secret on this site that I am a 100% true fan of Sir M. Night Shyamalan. While millions of people worldwide derided his breakthrough hit The Sixth Sense as all pomp and circumstance, and little content, I stood by him. When...

"Cube 2": Welcome To A New Dimension Of Boredom

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 08:59:03 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Some ideas are so good that it seems inevitable that people will jump on the bandwagon and try to cash in on them. How many Epinionaters, for example, have ‘accidentally’ found themselves at the bottom of a ditch recently, hands riddled with...

"Shrek 2": A Decent Script Is Far, Far Away

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 21:37:54 GMT

rating: 2/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - What is it about the movie Sh
rek
that had critics and cinema audiences the world over salivating like a starving dog looking through a butchers window back in 2001? It sounds like an easy question to answer, but...

"The Day After Tomorrow": Emmerich's Back. There Goes The Neighbourhood.

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 16:52:10 GMT

rating: 3/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Back in the summer of 1998, the Hollywood hype machine was kicking up a right royal shitstorm that reached almost apocalyptic levels. Go
dzilla
vs Armageddon. The old hand Roland Emmerich V new kid on...

"Shaun Of The Dead": Residential Evil

Tue, 8 Jun 2004 14:25:16 GMT

rating: 3/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - As the second eldest child out of a grand total of six kids, yours truly is used to being looked up to by inferior little snotbags. The number of times one of my younger siblings has stared at me with their beady little eyes and sniffed “When I’m...

"Silent Warnings": It's Happening... The Rip-Offs Have Landed.

Mon, 10 May 2004 08:34:31 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Sometimes, all it takes is a little perspective. Think your life is bad? Compare it to that of an Iraqi war criminal having his genitals being mocked in worldwide newspapers by a redneck, jug headed, trailer park trash soldier. Bored of your job? Think...

"Kill Bill 2": Revenge Is A Dish Best Served... Er, Lukewarm?

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 07:30:39 GMT

rating: 3/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - For all of Tarantino’s naysayers about his graphically violent, sleek and ruthlessly efficient assassin of a movie, the one fact many people overlooked is how, despite in essence being only half a film, Kill Bill: Volume One managed to easily...

"O": Dunking For Columbine

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 16:36:31 GMT

rating: 4/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Years from now, it’s highly possible that future generations of English graduates will know William Shakespeare as “that dude who made all of those teen movies”. It’s easy to see why most filmmakers look to him for inspiration: the guys...

"The Passion Of The Christ": Jesus Christ, Splatter Star

Wed, 7 Apr 2004 12:21:34 GMT

rating: 2/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - It was always going to be. “Take this and drink. This is my blood, spilled for you and for many. Do this in memory of me” it says in the Bible. And drink I did. Like an alcoholic fish. And then I made my way to the cinema. The result? Yet...

"Soul Survivors": Dead On Arrival

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 07:56:02 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Before we start, I’d just like to point out that the review you are about to read is perhaps one of the most inconsequential, redundant, completely pointless skewerings of a film you will ever read on this site. Yes, more so than any of my other...

"You've Got Mail": Like A Traffic Jam On The 'Net (Valentine's Massacre W/O)

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 08:31:05 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Blah blah blah St Valentine's Day W/O yackety yackety not yet got a list of participants up will do soon drone drone thanks to everyone who took part waffle waffle hope you enjoy it There are a few things in...

"The Hole": Stinky, Crusty And Full Of Crap

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 09:56:12 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Alright, this has got to stop, and it has to stop now. No I’m not talking about my recent run of one star reviews. I’m talking about the levels of appraisal heaped on Nick Hamm’s 2001 film The Hole. It was first viewed by myself two...

"Scary Movie 3": I See Dead Careers

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 11:33:28 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Yesterday I went to the shops. I bought a few things and then I went home. No madcap adventures occurred, nothing untoward happened, and everything was pretty ordinary. My point to this non-anecdote? There isn’t one, but at the same time there is...

"Love Actually": Borderline Narcissism

Thu, 8 Jan 2004 14:02:15 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Yes, it’s back, the third instalment in the never-popular “Drunken Review” series. It’s pretty simple: me get drunk, me see film, me write about film. The point? Other than a cool way to destroy my liver, there isn’t one. It’s...

"Final Destination 2": Death Cocks It Up Again

Tue, 9 Dec 2003 14:35:58 GMT

rating: 3/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Fate is something that pretty much rules us all. Did you know, for example, that an anagram of “Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas” is ‘coached star jet in and sue Hello magazine’? Spooky. And who said that their love was never...

"May": Be Nice To Weird People.

Tue, 29 Jul 2003 11:18:07 GMT

rating: 4/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes even my best friends can get on my nerves. Sure, they’re decent people, but sometimes it’d be nice if I could just get rid of all their bad points (including each and every one of their suffocatingly...

Wes Craven Presents: They: "They": Wes Craven's Ongoing Path To Self-Destruction

Wed, 23 Jul 2003 12:54:00 GMT

rating: 1/5 by: Epinions Author Simply_Crispy - Let’s face it, there’s only one way you can approach a film about grown adults who are haunted by the monsters that used to hide under their beds when they were kids, and that’s with a drunken stumble. That is to say, if you’re going to...